Seriously. Every pirate story is a chronicled adventure of a never-ending search for booty. It's like a frat party on the high seas. Most days are spent getting wasted and singing about piratey things, and in between all of that is the GAMBLING and the WHORING and the PLUNDERING. And, if you're a real jerk, they'll make you walk the plank.

Even though everybody all ready knows that Pirates are badass and Ninjas are totally sweet (and clowns are inherently evil, eek!), it is still necessary to address The Great Debate: PIRATES vs NINJAS.

I consulted realultimatepower.net to read up on this, and despite the website leaning heavily in favor of ninjas, what I derived mostly from this site is that whoever made it saw Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon about 80 billion times too many.

Key Points:

1. Ninjas are, indeed, mammals. I think. We don't know this for certain, because ninjas wear masks. That makes them somewhat mysterious, but could also mean that they are really ugly.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time, except when they are getting their masks dry-cleaned or shining their ninja stars like superficial pussies.

3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people. Then what? Ninjas will get it in the end; I learned this from watching a lot of Court TV. If you flip out and kill people, even if you wear a mask, law enforcement will get you, forensically, in the end. And then they'll air a one-hour special about it. "The Ninja Star Supernova", starring DMX and Jackie Chan. And Stiffler.

Ninjas are unemployed (at least that's what they claim on their yearly tax forms), so that argument is settled. Pirates have jobs. They are swash-bucklers by trade (not to mention masters of all manners of robbing, looting, thieving, pillaging, plundering and fucking shit up).

To get back to the topic-on-hand, there are 4,920,000 google results for "pirates". There are only 1,210,000 results for "not being homeless". Which is the bigger household novelty?

Some famous pirates are Samuel Bellamy, Blackbeard, Anne Bonny (a foxy pirate with breasts), William Dampier, Francis Drake, Jean Laffite, Mary Read, Captain Hook, One-Eyed Willie, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Long John Silver and Johnny Depp. That's twelve. Now, without cheating, name 12 United States Vice Presidents.







































Okay, name seven.







































You cheated.

Pirate ships are like totally the extreme vessels of the sea. An on-land equivalent would be something from Gone In 60 Seconds, with a little more rust (and by rust, I mean character!). Piracy is a brotherhood. A lot like stealing cars is a brotherhood, but in this case we're talking about a brotherhood of scallywags, with scurvy and cannons, looking for wenches.

Pirates are a lesson in non-conformity. In a day and age when tight designer jeans, an itty-bitty black band shirt and a pair of pumas are the uniform of utmost-pretension, no two pirates look alike. To each his own! We have the Chic and Sophisticated Dandy, the Mad Old Pirate with a Pegleg and a Parrot, The Common Scurvied Grunt and the Foxy Lady Pirate with Breasts. Pirates can mix and match accessories like there is no tomorrow: glass eyes, eye patches, wooden legs, hooks, bandanas, parrots, swords, daggers, knives, guns, gold, gold earrings, gold teeth, missing teeth, scurvy, stubble, ponytails, rat tails, tri-cornered hats, captain-style hats, just plain i-stole-this-after-swingin'-me-cutlass-an-killed-im hats, zombie skeleton monkeys, tattoos, scarves, and scars. Even though Pirates wear a lot of, shall we say, FLAMBOYANT colors and patterns, no one would ever mistake a pirate for a fruit loop. And if he did, well, that's the last mistake he'd ever make, right before walking the plank, or just getting a cannon popped in yo azz.

Despite their depiction as criminals and multifaceted bad guys, Pirates are just looking out for their own best interests. They have more money, and do more of what they want, so the general populace is just jealous. That's why I'm going to be a pirate. True, there's a higher chance of my being killed by one of my co-workers, bosses, or numerous enemies. But if I survive, I've got a tidy pension to have fun on for the rest of my sea-faring (or fearing) days. And in the meantime, looting and pillaging (and whoring!) is just an all-around good time. Arrr!

-jen