Moving on...

Now, I've always said that I don't want to get married because, quite frankly, I've never found a man whom I feel I could stand 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But recently, I have come up with some very good perks of marriage.

I think that marriage is an insurance that you will be properly laid. Now, it might not be the best sex you've ever had in terms of creativity and exploration because let's face it, our parents are married, or were married at one point (at least I hope so) and parents aren't allowed to have dirty sex. So it may not be the most creative sex you've had, but it really should be the most intimate. You did choose to spend the rest of you life with this person, so it BETTER be intimate. Also, as long as you didn't marry a prude, the option of sex is always there. Unless, of course, you've done something to get yourself in trouble, then you're going to be sleeping on the couch. Jerk. Now, to make a point, I'm going to steal a quote from a movie about hot men killing al lot of people and say the following: Sex in marriage is kind of like 7-11. They may not be doing business but they're always open. Plus, you very quickly learn what the other party prefers. No more "well, I'll pretend that this is good for me" business. You two have this act down. So perk number one - being properly fucked.

As most of you are university-aged young adults and hopefully most of you have lived away from home and have had to fend for yourself, you understand the meaning of a uni-student/living-on-your-own/I-don't-have-medical-insurance-because-I-have-a.)-no-job-or-b.)-a-crappy-job/I-can-only-afford-the-bare-minimum-in-groceries-which-comes-down-to-a-jar-of-peanut-butter-and-some-bread lifestyle. Now think marriage - you now have two incomes (unless you married a bum) and you can now afford the upper-minimum in groceries. That equals more nutritious foods, like fresh vegetables and MEAT! (As an aside, I would just like to say that if you are a university student you should not be able to afford meat. The only meat that you should be consuming at this time in your life, is the processed meat on your $10.99 large pizza or the so-called meat from the dining hall). And if you wait until you are older than 24 to get married, you will probably be able to afford REAL groceries and maybe even acquire someone to cook them for you. Single people never really eat proper meals; they have no one to worry about other than themselves. You add a spouse in there, the odds of being properly fed increases. Going with alliteration, two of the perks of marriage are being properly fucked and properly fed.

Thirdly, as briefly mentioned above, your income doubles. Now instead of living in that shoddy one-bedroom apartment in the ghetto, you can afford a less shoddy two-bedroom apartment just beside the ghetto. Or, again, if you wait until you are older than 24, you might even be able to afford your own condominium or *gasp* a house in suburbia! *shudder* Also, you can finally afford a new car to replace the one that is being held together by duct tape! So again, with the alliteration, the perks of marriage are being properly fucked, being properly fed, and being properly financed.

Of course, there are always the small perks. Say, for example, that you're in the bathroom, you finish your business, and reach for the toilet paper only to find that there are only three squares on the roll. Now, instead of hobbling out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles in search of that elusive roll of one-ply generic TP, you now have another option. This option being, "Honey, can you please get me another roll of toilet paper?" and with any luck, "honey" will put down the stirring spoon that was being used to cook your proper meal and deliver you your Charmin's double-ply quilted toilet paper, which is easily affordable on the doubled income. Later you can use that same stirring spoon as a blunt object to teach "honey" the rules of proper toilet paper etiquette. Mainly, don't leave only three squares of toilet paper! Just finish it and get a new roll! ... Sorry. I have no alliteration for this one.

Also, you now have someone to buy you presents for small occasions or even no occasion if you are really loved. Sure, these types of things happen in non-marriage relationship but now they are required to be more frequent and more expensive no-real-occasion gifts because you're married and well, if they're not, that first perk can become the "I have a headache/I'm too tired" perk.

Plus, all the perks are directly correlated to the position of your job. If you have a good job, you'll make more money, make the spouse happy, have more sex, which will result in more kids, which you can financially support on a doubled income, and gives you more mouths to feed, the owners of said mouths requiring healthy, well-balanced meals for healthy teeth and bones, thus providing you with more well-balanced meals.

So you get married, you gain these perks, and then you start popping out kids, solely to keep the surname going, of course. Plus, babies are cute. And if your babies aren't cute, you really never should have gotten married because we need to start keeping this world clean. Then, think about it, if you get sick of your kids, you can always ship them off to your parents because parents love kids and they always want more kids to take care of. Plus, your parents will actually know what they're doing, which will take some of the pressure off of you. Granted, then these cute babies become pre-teenagers/teenagers which are God's punishment for having sex. But they've kept the last name going, which was the main point of having them, right? Mission accomplished.

With all that being said, I have also drawn a conclusion about divorce, which I believe to be said perks going array. If you married a bum who just sits around all day watching trashy television, getting fat from all your nutritious meals, and falling asleep before the martial duties are fulfilled, this is going to cause discord in the marriage. Bad choice. Kick his or her ass to the curb. If this isn't the case and the significant other does in fact contribute an income, help provide the meals, and fulfill the martial duties, and divorce still results, well then you were probably just being used for your money and/or sex all along. Sorry about your luck.

With that all said, I may have just changed my mind about this whole marriage thing. Maybe...

-katie