Mr. Green is wily and clever, cynical and sarcastic, but also an excellent story teller which is why I enjoy him so much. He is also English.

Here is an excerpt taken from Mr. Green's novel, the excerpt that started it all...

No one ever tried to chat her up, or impress her with their charm and style, the kind of stuff that attractive women always had to put up with, even if they wore a large sign saying, GO AWAY; I HAVE AIDS, LEPROSY AND THE VENUSIAN DICK ROT, AND BESIDES, I'M A LESBIAN.

[By the way, if a guy tried to "chat up" a girl in America he'd be pommeled for being a fruit loop.]

So here I got to thinking...with literary genius such as that, it's an obvious conclusion that people in England are funnier than they are in America... but it doesn't end with the laughs. I've done my research, and as far as I can ascertain, America has a losing streak in many realms. This brings me to my latest Manifesto: #E1664B95: England is better than the Unites States.

I've never been to England, but I can make this declaration based on pop culture, historical references and political figureheads. The following paragraphs are FACT, and if you disagree, well, I'm sorry to inform you but your opinion is wrong. Also, you are probably Canadian. Go back to your lame, maple leaf, retard country and quit reading my journal.

I never saw Mariah Carey's touching, life-story Academy-Award-Losing flick so maybe I'm being unfair in my comparison, but since no one else did either, I doubt there will be much of an argument with the results. And if there is, remember, your opinion is wrong. I mean, Mariah Carey was in it; it had to be bad. Why is it called "Glitter" anyway? More appropriate titles would be "Not Cinematic Genius", "No One Cares About that Skank's Life", "Am I Black or White?", or, simply, "Crap".

Spice World is actually, get this, funny. It is full of cameos (GEORGE WENDT!). It spent more than 2 and a half hours at the box office and is widely available for purchase in Bargain Bins everywhere. The Spice Girls go to Boot Camp, deliver a baby, have an alien encounter, AND there's a bomb on their double-decker tour bus, which is driven, of course, by Meatloaf.

Advantage: Spice World
Winner: Spice World

Dear Eminem, We all know you're white. We all know you're angry. We all know you hate your mom, your wife's a bitch but you love your daughter. You're a rags to riches story. We get it. We know. You burst onto the scene as the joking arsehole but now you're a Real Artist.
When White Rappers Start to Take Things Seriously: The Vanilla Ice Story

On the We-Were-Around-Pre-1776 side of things, all I really have to say is "Crank it up to the gigawatts", or, in a latter, secondary defense, "Around here we say BIRDS, not bitches!".

Advantage: Eminem
Winner: The Streets, obviously
It also occurred to me later that Eminem should lose automatically anyway for committing the unforgiveable hip hop sin of taking a perfectly good song and ruining it with his rap crap.

Honestly, does this even need explanation?

Fine. Wrestling is not real, plus they have mullets and wear makeup and tights.

Rugby? They don't even wear cups.

Advantage: Rugby
Winner: Rugby

R.L. Stine sucks.

Roald Dahl doesn't.

Advantage: Roald Dahl
Winner: Roald Dahl

Does anyone actually remember anything about O-Town other than that they were that Boy Band Survivor TV Show? .. I didn't think so. No one remembers (if they ever knew to begin with) their names, songs, dance moves, music videos or albums. They were a One Hit Plunder. Oh, yes, what was that line?

"I want it all or nothing at all"

Looks like you took your gamble and ended up with the latter.

Five (5). Firstly, they named the group after the number of performers. Secondly, in atypical boy band fashion, they couldn't sing OR dance, but man, were they hot! And seriously, who can give a Boy Band Hall-of-Fame no to the G-rated smoothathon "When the Lights Go Out" ... Or, you can take the heat up a degree or two (Celsius, or you could say approximately between 4 and 8 degrees Fahrenheit) with the deeply meaningful and introspective car-ride sing-a-long "Slam Dunk Da Funk".

Advantage: Neither
Winner: Five

Hoobastank named their band Hoobastank.

Coldplay's singer had sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Advantage: Coldplay
Winner: Coldplay

Which would you rather get in the mail? Or receive in the post, in event that one wishes to sound more posh.
"Package" sounds like a piece of cardboard. "Parcel" sounds expensive!

Advantage: parcel
Winner: parcel

John Hancock went down in history for having famous handwriting and a giant signature, which is a sign of mental retardation.

Robin Hood went down in history for being a BADASS, and, in the Disney movie, A TOTAL FOX.

Advantage: Robin Hood
Winner: Robin Hood

Girls Gone Wild?

The Royal Lush.

Advantage: draw
Winner: draw

Chester thinks he is going to get a promotion and tells his fiance. In a meeting with his boss he lies and says that he has coached soccer before and his boss puts him as the coach of a ladies soccer team. There is only one problem, they suck. The only way to rectify the problem is to dress his fiance's son as a girl and put him on the team. The only problem is that the son has a crush on the boss's daughter who is also on the team! Hilarity ensues! No wait, this movie sucked.

Who wants to cook Aloo Gobi when you can bend a ball like Beckham? This movie is full of beautiful people, has good music, and one of the girls' moms thinks she is a lesbian. Hahahah. Family drama to which we can all relate!

Advantage: Bend it like Beckham
Winner: Ladybugs, because Jonathan Brandis was in it and we must respect the dead.

Final Score:
USA: 1
England: 8

There you have it, folks. Jonathan Brandis was the only person to take one for America, but to do that he had to kill himself. Go figure. The end.

-jen